I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
