when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
