I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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