Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
