tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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