my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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