i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
