i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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