I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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