At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
