my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
