Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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