Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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