is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
