it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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