Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
