we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
