It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
