I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
