***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
