SEEEEXXX PLEASE
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There's always time for handjobs
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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