She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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