I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
