Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
