Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
