ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
