Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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