nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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