I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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