Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
