Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
