i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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