What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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