Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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