can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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