and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
