Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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