He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
