I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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