the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
