I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
