dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
