he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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