This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
