she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
