Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
