So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
