someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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