when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
