I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Everyone says I win the strip club
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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