did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
