I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Rumble strips road head = magical
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
