FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
